Learning to Deal with Anger and Overwhelm.

I have been operating under a consistent state of overwhelm for the last several weeks.

I don't recommend it.

I don't think my family does either, for that matter. :0P

My Hero (a.k.a. The Mr.) saw what was going on last week and told me to take the evenings "off" all week. So, as soon as he got home, I grabbed my handy dandy backpack, loaded with my netbook, my sketchbook & markers, and various notebooks where I scribble my thoughts, along with a fiction book for brain candy breaks, and disappeared.

It was BLISSFUL.

I actually got to THINK!

Whole thoughts!

And finish an entire email! (in fact, lots of people got emails from me last week as I worked my way back to "inbox zero") :0)

And I got in some reading on some very helpful subjects, like preventing overwhelm, and how to handle it if it does happen. I've been learning how to stop reacting and start responding; which I've known for a long time is the way it's supposed to be, but not how.

Because I know from homeschooling 8 lil monkeys that teaching or telling someone else what you just learned is the best way to really "get it" yourself, I'll be sharing here as I learn.

First then:

When I am angry or overwhelmed :

B R E A T H E.

Repeat.

Remember that there are very few true crises. This most likely can wait 15 more seconds.

Pay attention to the breathing.

Breathe all the way in, fill up. Feel the air going into you.

Hold it a second or two.

Let it out slowly, feeling your self relax as you do.

Now.

Ask yourself: "Why am I angry / overwhelmed? What do I want?" Usually we get angry or overwhelmed because we're not getting something we want. Often what we want isn't realistic, or is dependent on other people, and we can't make others do as we want (so wanting to isn't realistic!)

Just realizing that what I want isn't realistic is enough for me to calm down and deal with things without feeling so frantic.

There are more questions I ask myself, more steps to take, that I"ll share in the next few posts.

Meanwhile, a great blog to read to learn about how to handle things when you realize that what you want is dependent on other people is Assume Love. It's technically a marriage blog, but the principles there are applicable to almost any relationship.

Mulberry Picking and Our Backyard Jungle (pictures)

Not much to say, just a peek into our day :0)

Inside The Asperger Brain

Oh. My.

Ok, I know I'm hitting heavy on the Asperger stuff lately (that's what I do!), and I'm sending you here a lot, but really, it's just sooooo good!
I find it tremendously exciting when someone write so clearly and accurately of my experiences and thought processes.
Sometimes I get excited because once I see someone explaining my thoughts so well, as they are explaining autism to neurotypical (NT) people, fireworks start going off in my head and I yell (internally, of course) "You mean not everyone thinks that??!!"
And then dominoes start falling, connecting lines and making patterns and suddenly there's a picture where before there were only random dots and blocks.
Sort of like when someone connects the dots on a map of the sky to illustrate the constellations.
Other times I get excited because I've finally found the words to describe my thoughts or feelings to people that I want to tell these things to, but I just can't.
Like today.
I was reading, and this article got me so excited -BOTH ways, mind you! I realized that not everyone experiences things that way, AND I read the perfect words to describe what it's like in my shoes!- that I was bouncing up and down in my chair and grinning like a goofball. Finally I burst out laughing and grabbed The Mr. and said "Read that!! Please!!"
Patient, tolerant, loving man that he is, he stopped what he was doing and read it, gave me a smile, and went on his way. :0)
So now I'm grabbing you and saying "Read that! Please!"

about social cues and communication

and

about emotions, and how their difference in autism can be crushing if you don't know

Not every single word or thought there exactly applies to me, but so much does that if you're at all interested in me, how I think, what I think, and what it's like in my head, then it's definitely worth your time to read, and it's written much better than I have time for!

The part that was SO perfect that it had me laughing out loud was this line:

If you have something to say to me, then say it. If you choose to be mysterious because you think we are sharing a private moment, 9 times out of 10 you will be wrong. That knowing look on my face is me trying to mimic the look on your face and in most cases is meaningless.

Bwahahaha! Made me laugh again! 

Really, the takeaway I wish for everyone, whether you want to get to know ME or not (and sometimes that can be confusing to me, although I am so grateful for and affectionate for the ones who have taken the time and dealt with the awkwardness and difficulties) is that if you are the parent, relative, teacher, babysitter, or just involved in the life of an autistic child, please DON'T only listen to the "experts" (who DON'T have autism!), but add in there as much from autistic adults as possible.

DECOMPRESSION (or: If You Want To Get To Know Me)

This ought to be required reading before meeting me:

"Decompression"

I personally tend to "go nonverbal" before I say harsh things, but sometimes the harsh things are the first things I say on the way back to verbalizing.
Otherwise, this post is awesome at describing the way things feel, especially the description of feeling soundwaves- sometimes I feel bombarded by them!
For me it's not always "intense" situations that can bring on this deep need for decompression. Sometimes it's just a friendly gathering or a trip to Costco.
The writer and I have connected on Twitter, and I am just amazed at the way she is able to write so clearly about what goes on in my head and how I respond to things. She's referred to me as "her other hemisphere" & told a friend that "we're connected at the corpus callosum". I think she's onto something. :0)
Seriously, if you're interested in Autism, Asperger's, or are the parent of an autistic child, her blog is one of the ones I highly recommend reading. She's great at giving NT people "a window into" the Autistic Mind.

Idyllic

My life is absolutely idyllic.

In the midst of unfinished work galore,
my refusal to be dominated by what I haven't accomplished allows me to see the bliss my life is drenched in.
So grateful.

She Liked It!

One of the fun projects I've been working on was putting together flowers for my little sister's upcoming wedding.

There was her bouquet, the groom's boutonniere, the maid of honor's bouquet (who is my daughte- and she made her own! Beautiful, I must say), the "other guys'" boutonnieres, the women's (mothers etc) wrist corsages, and the table arrangements. 

It's been a big project, but very fun.

She came to look them over today, and pick them up if they were satisfactory.

She said she liked them!

Of course, I keep hoping she's not just being polite! :0)

Want to Tour a Different Planet?

Sometimes I just want to quit the internet.
I get "peopled out", and the negative interactions overshadow the positive interactions, even though numerically, they oughtn't.
But I crawl in my hole a while, and

breathe

and then I want to come back.
Not let the ugly keep me from the beautiful.
Not give the ugly the power to keep me from the beautiful.
Especially when what upsets me about the ugly is it's attempt to control me or define me.

So, after my break, I'm back.

With a purpose, for this post at least. My husband, a.k.a. Knight In Shining Armor, a.k.a. Superman, a.k.a. My Hero, a.k.a ... (you get the idea) suggested my sharing this here, thinking that it may help explain some of my "prickliness" to those who have felt it.

I was telling him about a conversation I was in, with a sweet lady whose grandson had been diagnosed with Asperger's. When she told me, she didn't know that I am an Aspie myself, and she said it in a way that communicated the unpleasantness and difficulty of raising such a child. Not in a mean or offensive way, but just how parents commiserate over difficulties. I can imagine that it could be difficult, depending on your goals and expectations.
The conversation reminded me of several times that I've heard people talking about "healing" autistic spectrum disorders, or making them "act right". It grieves me so much to hear parents with that perspective. I was, I suppose, ranting about it to him, and he said it might be helpful for others to hear how it seems "from this side".

So. I'm just going to cut loose, like I did with him, and shut my eyes tight and hope that I don't come across as angry, or attacking, or critical, or like I know it all, or that I think people are stupid, or any of those things. I also hope that maybe, if you see things that could be taken that way, you will instead just understand how upsetting it can be to be on the receiving end of the things that I'm talking about.

In our family, we see things like ADD and Asperger's as personality profiles, not disorders or deficits or dysfunctions or disabilities (alliteration much?). Just like any personality type, there are strengths and weaknesses, which can be exploited and compensated for. We see them as valuable types, not inferior.
For example, did you know that few people are truly colorblind, to the point of seeing only black, white, and grey? These people are very very valuable in certain fields, because they can easily see details that others, distracted and blinded by color, miss. And what about a blind person's extraordinary hearing and sensory perception? That's how we see a lot of things that are often categorized as "disabilities".
So to hear someone bemoaning the woes of Aspergers, and their frustration in how hard it is to make someone - especially a child!!- with Asperger's "act right" is such a punch in the gut. To hear their special, unique gifts and abilities so disregarded in favor of making them "just like me" seems so arrogant!
Yes, I understand, a lot of times it is well intentioned, hoping to smooth the path of life for them so that they won't "stick out", but maybe that is the very thing that is propagating the negativity associated with sticking out!
And I wish, I think at least, that I really wish, that every parent, every teacher, every friend, who is dealing with an Asperger / Autistic child, who is working so hard to teach them to "make eye contact", to "speak to people when spoken to", to "hug Aunty So-and-So", to "sit properly", to "stop waving their hands", to "stop rocking", to "stop obsessing over a narrow subject", to "lighten up" and "enjoy socializing".... et cetera et cetera ad nauseum
I wish that they could really, deeply, truly, and fully imagine:
Being dropped, with no preparation, to a different planet.
Where the language sounded like theirs, but soon proved to have different (often inscrutable) definitions for a lot of the words.
Where making eye contact was highly offensive.
Where handshakes were derogatory.
Where smiling was insulting.
Where small talk was pedantic and arrogant and selfish.
And every time they tried to reach out to someone and make friendly contact in one of these ways that they grew up with and are so natural that anything else just doesn't make sense, they were rebuked and told that they were upsetting others and making people uncomfortable.
And they were told that if they want people to like them, and if they want to make friends, and if they want to fit in (which, on that planet, is the be-all, end-all, ultimate goal for every creature) they must learn the appropriate ways to interact:
The way to greet someone is to lick their face, profusely. And to enjoy it.
And to be happy to have your face licked in return. And you are not to wipe your face afterward- that would be rude!
The way to converse is to repeat a prescribed script of nonsense words, that carry no meaning, and that the script is longer for conversing with some people, and shorter for others, and you must not confuse them. It is very offputting if you mix up the nonsense words.
That if you enjoy someone's company, you show it by becoming very loud, and rubbing your face against theirs every few seconds, and if they happen to move away, you must follow them, so that you can continue to rub faces and shout at them.
You must also be very pleased and appreciative when someone shouts at you and wants to rub their face against yours, and if you show any discomfort or displeasure, you are very insulting and confusing to them, and you have maybe hurt their feelings.
With all this, the culture is a very fast-changing one, with many "in-jokes" and unspoken expectations. The change is so fast, that with all the other rules for interaction, you often lose track of the expectations and jokes, so that things often fall flat when you are around, and people become very uncomfortable, because the jollity that is required is broken up and hard to resume if you've committed yet another faux pas.

My assumption (and I may be wrong) is that almost anyone would find those rules of greeting and interaction very invasive and upsetting, and would likely feel assaulted by what the people on that planet consider "just being nice". I imagine (and maybe this is just my Asperger's talking) that after feeling thus assaulted, keeping up with the in-jokes and unspoken expectations might feel like a bit much. I'm guessing that they would be mighty glad to find someone who would just look them in the eye, smile, shake hands, and say "How are you?"

And so I want to ask those parents, teachers, friends, etc., if they can quit trying to teach a dog to quack, or a duck to bark, or a chicken to moo, and accept that these children are trying to connect with people their own way, even if their way looks like something that is culturally rude or selfish or uninterested. To quit sending the message, with their "help" that "You are put together all wrong. Everything you do, or want to do, or feel, is wrong. Everything you like, is unacceptable. You are only pleasant to be around when you deny yourself every comfort and offer yourself for invasion and sometimes assault, and even then, only if you pretend to enjoy it."

Now.
Have I offended you?
Have I made you angry?
I truly hope not. I only want to show you what I see from where I stand.
And, maybe, to explain what was going on in my head if I've been rude to you or pushed you away.

My husband said he thought it could be enlightening to people to see how their advances can be perceived.
I am hesitant to share this though, because I don't want to make people afraid to approach me or avoid trying to become friends.

Not sure what to do now besides click publish.

P.S. Read This Now

This is one I'll be reading several times a day for a while.

Go here, and scroll down past the pretty printables and read the blue box.

About Hurry

Go on, go read it.

...

...

...

Now.

Breathe deep.

Carry on, with those pieces of wisdom ringing in your ears.

Choosing Focus and ::Monday Musings::

I woke up this morning and looked at the "Weekend To Do" list I'd compiled for myself friday evening.
Very little is checked off.
I realized that I can look at that list and see a weekend of failure, and start my week feeling 'behind',
OR
I can look at all the things I did do.
I helped my husband wrestle some monster logs onto our trailer to bring home firewood. (I'm talking 200-300 pounds each! Yes, my muscles are sore.)
I performed and emergency plumbing repair.
I took my daughter with me for some one on one time when an urgent errand popped up.
I did some work on my first "Virtual Assistant" gig.
I sorted through and put into storage clothes for 7 children.
I went salvaging in an old barn with my daughter, and we had a blast wrestling out some treasures from under the heaps.
I cuddled 2 toddlers to sleep for the first time in a long time.
I took an impromptu nap (haven't had one of those since baby was born 6 months ago!)
and, of course, the usual maintaining that goes with a family of 10 (with 2 in diapers).
Laundry, sweeping, meals, sweeping, potty trips, sweeping, goodnight kisses, reading stories, answering questions...
I had a good conversation with one of my children, who was very disgruntled at the time, about how whatever we choose to see, to focus on, we will see more of; how that can snowball and form our personality and our outlook on life.
It is easy for me to see which to focus on, which will make me happier, and which will make me more productive. That last part is counter-intuitive, for me at least. I always think that I should look at how much I didn't do to motivate me to move faster, but really all it does is make me feel like a failure and like I'm too behind to ever catch up. When I look at what I did, it seems to carry me on it's inertia into accomplishing even more than I would plan.
Of course, I do wrestle back and forth with wondering whether it's right or wrong or OK to choose happiness.
John Piper's "Christian Hedonism" comes to mind, even though I no longer identify as a Christian. Also, the simple fact that I am more kind, gentle, patient and loving when I am happy.
Then my background comes through and I hear echos of the teachings that seeking happiness itself is shallow and carnal, and that the righteous are at peace in persecution and suffering, and that if I were really "good" I would be all those things in spite of unhappiness, and that I would be reflecting the glory of God that way. 
Sigh.
That's another post.

For now, I will do what allows me to be kind, gentle, patient and loving to my children, and wrestle privately with the ethics of what makes me that way.

::Monday Musings:
Hands Free Mama
Brave Moms Raise Brave Kids
Learning about becoming a Virtual Assistant
Learning about Chalk Paint & DIY
Inspired to Action- one of my favorite encouragements places
Power of Moms- another of my favorites for encouragement

{Five Minute Friday} Afraid

Have you seen / heard of Five Minute Friday?
Lisa-Jo Baker hosts it on her blog.
What??
You don't know who Lisa-Jo Baker is??
Wow.
I am honored to point you in her direction.
This may sound sappy or melodramatic, and only those who know me will "get" just how much this means, because I don't say things like this lightly.

She has changed my life.

I won't go into the many things I've learned in her company, there's not room or time. Plus, I couldn't yet do them justice.

One of the things that has been a vehicle of learning for me, is her Five Minute Friday Party. Here is her description:

Friday, time to crack open the chocolate ice cream and unscripted version of beautiful you!
Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s finger paint with words –>{click to tweet}.
Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not. Here’s how to play along:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you {and if you love us, consider turning off word verification for the day to make it easier for folks to say howdy}
It’s a great way to catch your breath at the end of a long week.
OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes for the prompt:

This week, I decided to jump in.

Then.

I saw the prompt.

Can I back out??


Afraid

What am I afraid of? Lots of things, despite what I would've told you only a few short years ago. My worst fear? Not sharing that one. Nope.
But my next worst?
Messing up with my children.
Hitting the brick wall of Mommy Burnout.
Focusing on the "Wrong Thing" and missing the "Right Thing".

 Living with regret.

For a long time, I was afraid to Write Naked.
Still am, actually.
Then I read this, and my definitions changed.
I'm still afraid.
But not so much.

I'm afraid that my chidlren will remember that I was grumpy when the house was messy but not that I played lots of games with them.
I'm afraid that they will think that they aren't the most important people in the world to me.
I'm afraid that they will think they are responsible for my feelings.
I'm afraid that my friends will think I'm a slob.
I'm afraid that people will think that I'm a poor mom.

Times' up.

"Fix it! Quick!" or Public Beta??

You know how it is, when you think something is going right, and you kind of even forget about it because you assumed it was going right?
Then you stumble across it totally serendipitously and realize that it is, in fact, not going right at all?
Yeah.
I'm there.
I was dinking around online, checking out tweaks on a different blog platform than I'm used to, figuring things out with a friend who is setting up a new blog, and now I'm finding that my rss feeds aren't doing what I thought they were, my delicious feed is all wonky and cluttered up, and I don't remember how WordPress works! (I kind of never knew- that's why I left them for Blogger)

Now I have two options. Stay up all night (and miss time with my Superman) figuring things out and fixing them; or remembering what I'm learning about "Public Beta" and relaxing tonight with Superman and figuring it out slowly over the next little while when I can do it without neglecting anyone important..

Guess which I choose?

Looking at a long week (and some marriage encouragement)

Not to sound grumpy or pessimistic, but it looks like this week is going to be a long one. I had a much needed date with my 17-year-old daughter on Saturday, and then spent the day away with a friend on Sunday. And result? I didn't get to see my husband very much this weekend. Now it's Monday, and I have a whole five days to wait before I can spend all day with him again. That looks like a long time. You better believe I'll be making the most of the evenings this week, but there's nothing like spending the full day together. Words defy me to share how inexpressibly happy I am to have the kind of marriage that we do, that we are both so hungry to spend more time together. If you don't have this kind of marriage, or even if you do (because they can all use some work and improvement), may I suggest that you check out the marriage blogs over on the right-hand side of this blog?There are links there to some excellent resources that will help any marriage to grow and be even better.
Have a happy week, and be sure to spread some loving to all those around you!

Diagnosis & Prescription

Even though my average week is nowhere near the week described in this post, the diagnosis of "Mommy Burnout" hits the nail on the head when describing my bad days.
That's REALLY hard to admit.
The tongue-in-cheek post describes how to "acheive" mommy burnout.
I've followed the prescription quite well, and it does deliver the promised result!

ugh.

Letter to Pearl

Baby Pearl...
You and my Caedmon are so close to the same age. Days apart, actually.
The same week I found out Caedmon was breech, I read your sweet Mama's letter about you. My worry and fear about delivering a breech baby seemed so small and frivolous after that.

Read This. Over and Over and Over.

By Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience


Please, go there and read through her posts. Bookmark her site and go back every day. She usually posts something new each day around lunchtime. It's SO worth the time to stop by and read. I'm posting her words here to give you a taste, whet your appetite a bit:

Of blogging, secrets, porn and truth - A Holy Experience

So often, I have a heart full,

a mind full,

things to say,

things to ask,

things to just dump so I can look at them and maybe in the future, figure out what on earth they are and what I should do with them.

But I hesitate.

I'm just not sure.

This post at least shows me that someone else wonders the same things.

Of blogging, secrets, porn and truth - A Holy Experience

 I don't know what conclusion I'll come to:

whether I'll begin just typing it all out anyway,

or not,

or even just quit blogging altogether.

I know that some say

"no secrets"

and

"no shadows"

and

"walk in the light" (I will be posting more on "walking in the light" soon...)

but there are other things to be considered...

the tightrope between what some say:

and what others have to say about that, here:

Discussing the Telling of Secrets in the comments...

not that all the things I'm hesitating over are the "deep, dark, skeletons-in-the-closet" type things mentioned in the comments there, but just wondering about the line between being transparent and airing dirty laundry. Because the things that happen, do happen to and shape me, but they also involve others who may not desire the transparency and openness in that area...

Just what I'm thinking about lately...

I'm going to become The Little Red Hen

This is one of those "good reads" that carry two messages in one. For me anyway...

"Why the Kids Really Need a Little Red Hen Mama"

When I read the title, I immediately thought of the Little Red Hen of "I'll Do It Myself" fame.

Which is what my children really do need right now.

I'm delegating (which I firmly believe is a good thing and which I won't be stopping), but in my pursuit to get 38 hours of living squeezed into 24 hours, with a clean house on the side, I'm pushing too much, too hard, too fast, and it's not (my goal of) working together happily and learning to do the job well and enjoy a job well done. It's more of a scolding Mama asking again "Haven't you done that yet?"

What Will They Remember? and Am I Responsible?

I've heard it both ways:
"They (children, when grown) will remember the good."
"They will remember the bad."
So which is it?

Of Hard Drives and Emotional Responses

Oh Joy. Delight. Rapture.
Not really, but I *am* pleased :0)
My hard drive in my cute little netbook that my sweet, generous husband bought for me has a bad sector, and about a month or so ago I (unhappily) discovered it.  I've learned the lesson in the past to be a "backer-upper", and am usually pretty good about backing things up. I'm even moving toward having *two* backups of everything, in case one of my external drives fails.
But, wouldn't you know,

Slowing Down, Choosing to See and Embrace the Moments

This morning I wake and get to choose again:
will I wake to the rush and the long long list of things I should get done, and will I listen to the ticking of the clock that whispers "hurry, hurry, so much to do, you're getting behind..."
 or will I wake to the chance to:
listen to my children's hearts when they start their words with "Mama,"
hear the words of life as they dance before my eyes on the page that I am so privileged to own, and let them mold me
speak words of "I cherish you" instead of "this toilet needs scrubbing more than you need listening to"
ponder this gift called Life and all the rich depth it contains, which becomes emptier yet heavier when we aren't looking into what it *really* is underneath all the dust that is layered on it by the daily bustle of carrying it around?