Recommended Reading: Internalizing What Others Believe | Emma's Hope Book

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Commonality in Diversity, and Growing Into Feeling Like Me

Sometimes I am amazed at the diversity among us, when we're all so similar (need food, water, shelter, companionship; are creative, seek self-expression, look for "the meaning of it all"...).

Sometimes at the commonalities, when we're all so very different (introvert/extrovert, creative/literal, shy/outgoing, planner/spontaneous, leader/follower, victim/survivor, religious/skeptical, NT/ASD...)

When I find the commonality in the diversity, I just have to sit down and grin a while at the juxtaposition.

I've been spending I-don't-know-how-long feeling around the edges of a topic in my thoughts and in my journal, vaguely planning to write it here once I get it more figured out so I can make a semi-coherent thing of it. Then, this morning, I find that someone else (guess who) already has fleshed it out so much more completely and with much more lucidity than I think I was going to be able to do. I find that she does specifically well at finding the words for emotions, an area where I can spend a significant amount of time & still end up feeling like I'm spinning my wheels.

So, reading this post about Renee's feelings about her Autism diagnosis, and her feelings about it coming so late in life, and all the feelings she had before her diagnosis is, to me, a powerful picture of the commonality we have within our (neuro)diversity.

Thanks, Renee!

Inside The Asperger Brain

Oh. My.

Ok, I know I'm hitting heavy on the Asperger stuff lately (that's what I do!), and I'm sending you here a lot, but really, it's just sooooo good!
I find it tremendously exciting when someone write so clearly and accurately of my experiences and thought processes.
Sometimes I get excited because once I see someone explaining my thoughts so well, as they are explaining autism to neurotypical (NT) people, fireworks start going off in my head and I yell (internally, of course) "You mean not everyone thinks that??!!"
And then dominoes start falling, connecting lines and making patterns and suddenly there's a picture where before there were only random dots and blocks.
Sort of like when someone connects the dots on a map of the sky to illustrate the constellations.
Other times I get excited because I've finally found the words to describe my thoughts or feelings to people that I want to tell these things to, but I just can't.
Like today.
I was reading, and this article got me so excited -BOTH ways, mind you! I realized that not everyone experiences things that way, AND I read the perfect words to describe what it's like in my shoes!- that I was bouncing up and down in my chair and grinning like a goofball. Finally I burst out laughing and grabbed The Mr. and said "Read that!! Please!!"
Patient, tolerant, loving man that he is, he stopped what he was doing and read it, gave me a smile, and went on his way. :0)
So now I'm grabbing you and saying "Read that! Please!"

about social cues and communication

and

about emotions, and how their difference in autism can be crushing if you don't know

Not every single word or thought there exactly applies to me, but so much does that if you're at all interested in me, how I think, what I think, and what it's like in my head, then it's definitely worth your time to read, and it's written much better than I have time for!

The part that was SO perfect that it had me laughing out loud was this line:

If you have something to say to me, then say it. If you choose to be mysterious because you think we are sharing a private moment, 9 times out of 10 you will be wrong. That knowing look on my face is me trying to mimic the look on your face and in most cases is meaningless.

Bwahahaha! Made me laugh again! 

Really, the takeaway I wish for everyone, whether you want to get to know ME or not (and sometimes that can be confusing to me, although I am so grateful for and affectionate for the ones who have taken the time and dealt with the awkwardness and difficulties) is that if you are the parent, relative, teacher, babysitter, or just involved in the life of an autistic child, please DON'T only listen to the "experts" (who DON'T have autism!), but add in there as much from autistic adults as possible.

DECOMPRESSION (or: If You Want To Get To Know Me)

This ought to be required reading before meeting me:

"Decompression"

I personally tend to "go nonverbal" before I say harsh things, but sometimes the harsh things are the first things I say on the way back to verbalizing.
Otherwise, this post is awesome at describing the way things feel, especially the description of feeling soundwaves- sometimes I feel bombarded by them!
For me it's not always "intense" situations that can bring on this deep need for decompression. Sometimes it's just a friendly gathering or a trip to Costco.
The writer and I have connected on Twitter, and I am just amazed at the way she is able to write so clearly about what goes on in my head and how I respond to things. She's referred to me as "her other hemisphere" & told a friend that "we're connected at the corpus callosum". I think she's onto something. :0)
Seriously, if you're interested in Autism, Asperger's, or are the parent of an autistic child, her blog is one of the ones I highly recommend reading. She's great at giving NT people "a window into" the Autistic Mind.

Guilt

You know those times when it seems someone crawled inside your head, took a good look around, took some notes, then crawled out and wrote about it all in words that you wish you could hammer together so expressively?
No?
Well, I haven't often.
Today I read something that made me feel that way though. 
I'm not quite at the end of what was written, where this person is. But that she got there is exciting to me. 
I almost say it gives me hope, but I usually shrink from that word. 
It can be, as Emily Dickinson puts it:

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me.

yet it can also be a little monster with razor teeth. 

...tangent!...

Anyway. 

Here's the article that provoked me to be here at my keyboard sharing this at this ridiculous hour when I ought to be sound asleep in bed:

S. R. Salas on "Guilt"

Want to Tour a Different Planet?

Sometimes I just want to quit the internet.
I get "peopled out", and the negative interactions overshadow the positive interactions, even though numerically, they oughtn't.
But I crawl in my hole a while, and

breathe

and then I want to come back.
Not let the ugly keep me from the beautiful.
Not give the ugly the power to keep me from the beautiful.
Especially when what upsets me about the ugly is it's attempt to control me or define me.

So, after my break, I'm back.

With a purpose, for this post at least. My husband, a.k.a. Knight In Shining Armor, a.k.a. Superman, a.k.a. My Hero, a.k.a ... (you get the idea) suggested my sharing this here, thinking that it may help explain some of my "prickliness" to those who have felt it.

I was telling him about a conversation I was in, with a sweet lady whose grandson had been diagnosed with Asperger's. When she told me, she didn't know that I am an Aspie myself, and she said it in a way that communicated the unpleasantness and difficulty of raising such a child. Not in a mean or offensive way, but just how parents commiserate over difficulties. I can imagine that it could be difficult, depending on your goals and expectations.
The conversation reminded me of several times that I've heard people talking about "healing" autistic spectrum disorders, or making them "act right". It grieves me so much to hear parents with that perspective. I was, I suppose, ranting about it to him, and he said it might be helpful for others to hear how it seems "from this side".

So. I'm just going to cut loose, like I did with him, and shut my eyes tight and hope that I don't come across as angry, or attacking, or critical, or like I know it all, or that I think people are stupid, or any of those things. I also hope that maybe, if you see things that could be taken that way, you will instead just understand how upsetting it can be to be on the receiving end of the things that I'm talking about.

In our family, we see things like ADD and Asperger's as personality profiles, not disorders or deficits or dysfunctions or disabilities (alliteration much?). Just like any personality type, there are strengths and weaknesses, which can be exploited and compensated for. We see them as valuable types, not inferior.
For example, did you know that few people are truly colorblind, to the point of seeing only black, white, and grey? These people are very very valuable in certain fields, because they can easily see details that others, distracted and blinded by color, miss. And what about a blind person's extraordinary hearing and sensory perception? That's how we see a lot of things that are often categorized as "disabilities".
So to hear someone bemoaning the woes of Aspergers, and their frustration in how hard it is to make someone - especially a child!!- with Asperger's "act right" is such a punch in the gut. To hear their special, unique gifts and abilities so disregarded in favor of making them "just like me" seems so arrogant!
Yes, I understand, a lot of times it is well intentioned, hoping to smooth the path of life for them so that they won't "stick out", but maybe that is the very thing that is propagating the negativity associated with sticking out!
And I wish, I think at least, that I really wish, that every parent, every teacher, every friend, who is dealing with an Asperger / Autistic child, who is working so hard to teach them to "make eye contact", to "speak to people when spoken to", to "hug Aunty So-and-So", to "sit properly", to "stop waving their hands", to "stop rocking", to "stop obsessing over a narrow subject", to "lighten up" and "enjoy socializing".... et cetera et cetera ad nauseum
I wish that they could really, deeply, truly, and fully imagine:
Being dropped, with no preparation, to a different planet.
Where the language sounded like theirs, but soon proved to have different (often inscrutable) definitions for a lot of the words.
Where making eye contact was highly offensive.
Where handshakes were derogatory.
Where smiling was insulting.
Where small talk was pedantic and arrogant and selfish.
And every time they tried to reach out to someone and make friendly contact in one of these ways that they grew up with and are so natural that anything else just doesn't make sense, they were rebuked and told that they were upsetting others and making people uncomfortable.
And they were told that if they want people to like them, and if they want to make friends, and if they want to fit in (which, on that planet, is the be-all, end-all, ultimate goal for every creature) they must learn the appropriate ways to interact:
The way to greet someone is to lick their face, profusely. And to enjoy it.
And to be happy to have your face licked in return. And you are not to wipe your face afterward- that would be rude!
The way to converse is to repeat a prescribed script of nonsense words, that carry no meaning, and that the script is longer for conversing with some people, and shorter for others, and you must not confuse them. It is very offputting if you mix up the nonsense words.
That if you enjoy someone's company, you show it by becoming very loud, and rubbing your face against theirs every few seconds, and if they happen to move away, you must follow them, so that you can continue to rub faces and shout at them.
You must also be very pleased and appreciative when someone shouts at you and wants to rub their face against yours, and if you show any discomfort or displeasure, you are very insulting and confusing to them, and you have maybe hurt their feelings.
With all this, the culture is a very fast-changing one, with many "in-jokes" and unspoken expectations. The change is so fast, that with all the other rules for interaction, you often lose track of the expectations and jokes, so that things often fall flat when you are around, and people become very uncomfortable, because the jollity that is required is broken up and hard to resume if you've committed yet another faux pas.

My assumption (and I may be wrong) is that almost anyone would find those rules of greeting and interaction very invasive and upsetting, and would likely feel assaulted by what the people on that planet consider "just being nice". I imagine (and maybe this is just my Asperger's talking) that after feeling thus assaulted, keeping up with the in-jokes and unspoken expectations might feel like a bit much. I'm guessing that they would be mighty glad to find someone who would just look them in the eye, smile, shake hands, and say "How are you?"

And so I want to ask those parents, teachers, friends, etc., if they can quit trying to teach a dog to quack, or a duck to bark, or a chicken to moo, and accept that these children are trying to connect with people their own way, even if their way looks like something that is culturally rude or selfish or uninterested. To quit sending the message, with their "help" that "You are put together all wrong. Everything you do, or want to do, or feel, is wrong. Everything you like, is unacceptable. You are only pleasant to be around when you deny yourself every comfort and offer yourself for invasion and sometimes assault, and even then, only if you pretend to enjoy it."

Now.
Have I offended you?
Have I made you angry?
I truly hope not. I only want to show you what I see from where I stand.
And, maybe, to explain what was going on in my head if I've been rude to you or pushed you away.

My husband said he thought it could be enlightening to people to see how their advances can be perceived.
I am hesitant to share this though, because I don't want to make people afraid to approach me or avoid trying to become friends.

Not sure what to do now besides click publish.