Our Fire!

I just LOVE how our little fire truck sidled up to pose beside the "big boy" fire truck!

We had a chimney fire! I'm so excited about that, because #1: everything and everyone is OK. (it could have gone so bad in so many ways!!) and #2: my children got to learn and see how the whole process goes from calling 911 to heading back into your house after the firemen leave. Also- it's been a catalyst for some very sweet, comforting, and encouraging things to happen. For those that want the whole story of "What happened?!"...

Choosing Focus and ::Monday Musings::

I woke up this morning and looked at the "Weekend To Do" list I'd compiled for myself friday evening.
Very little is checked off.
I realized that I can look at that list and see a weekend of failure, and start my week feeling 'behind',
OR
I can look at all the things I did do.
I helped my husband wrestle some monster logs onto our trailer to bring home firewood. (I'm talking 200-300 pounds each! Yes, my muscles are sore.)
I performed and emergency plumbing repair.
I took my daughter with me for some one on one time when an urgent errand popped up.
I did some work on my first "Virtual Assistant" gig.
I sorted through and put into storage clothes for 7 children.
I went salvaging in an old barn with my daughter, and we had a blast wrestling out some treasures from under the heaps.
I cuddled 2 toddlers to sleep for the first time in a long time.
I took an impromptu nap (haven't had one of those since baby was born 6 months ago!)
and, of course, the usual maintaining that goes with a family of 10 (with 2 in diapers).
Laundry, sweeping, meals, sweeping, potty trips, sweeping, goodnight kisses, reading stories, answering questions...
I had a good conversation with one of my children, who was very disgruntled at the time, about how whatever we choose to see, to focus on, we will see more of; how that can snowball and form our personality and our outlook on life.
It is easy for me to see which to focus on, which will make me happier, and which will make me more productive. That last part is counter-intuitive, for me at least. I always think that I should look at how much I didn't do to motivate me to move faster, but really all it does is make me feel like a failure and like I'm too behind to ever catch up. When I look at what I did, it seems to carry me on it's inertia into accomplishing even more than I would plan.
Of course, I do wrestle back and forth with wondering whether it's right or wrong or OK to choose happiness.
John Piper's "Christian Hedonism" comes to mind, even though I no longer identify as a Christian. Also, the simple fact that I am more kind, gentle, patient and loving when I am happy.
Then my background comes through and I hear echos of the teachings that seeking happiness itself is shallow and carnal, and that the righteous are at peace in persecution and suffering, and that if I were really "good" I would be all those things in spite of unhappiness, and that I would be reflecting the glory of God that way. 
Sigh.
That's another post.

For now, I will do what allows me to be kind, gentle, patient and loving to my children, and wrestle privately with the ethics of what makes me that way.

::Monday Musings:
Hands Free Mama
Brave Moms Raise Brave Kids
Learning about becoming a Virtual Assistant
Learning about Chalk Paint & DIY
Inspired to Action- one of my favorite encouragements places
Power of Moms- another of my favorites for encouragement

{Five Minute Friday} Afraid

Have you seen / heard of Five Minute Friday?
Lisa-Jo Baker hosts it on her blog.
What??
You don't know who Lisa-Jo Baker is??
Wow.
I am honored to point you in her direction.
This may sound sappy or melodramatic, and only those who know me will "get" just how much this means, because I don't say things like this lightly.

She has changed my life.

I won't go into the many things I've learned in her company, there's not room or time. Plus, I couldn't yet do them justice.

One of the things that has been a vehicle of learning for me, is her Five Minute Friday Party. Here is her description:

Friday, time to crack open the chocolate ice cream and unscripted version of beautiful you!
Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s finger paint with words –>{click to tweet}.
Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not. Here’s how to play along:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you {and if you love us, consider turning off word verification for the day to make it easier for folks to say howdy}
It’s a great way to catch your breath at the end of a long week.
OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes for the prompt:

This week, I decided to jump in.

Then.

I saw the prompt.

Can I back out??


Afraid

What am I afraid of? Lots of things, despite what I would've told you only a few short years ago. My worst fear? Not sharing that one. Nope.
But my next worst?
Messing up with my children.
Hitting the brick wall of Mommy Burnout.
Focusing on the "Wrong Thing" and missing the "Right Thing".

 Living with regret.

For a long time, I was afraid to Write Naked.
Still am, actually.
Then I read this, and my definitions changed.
I'm still afraid.
But not so much.

I'm afraid that my chidlren will remember that I was grumpy when the house was messy but not that I played lots of games with them.
I'm afraid that they will think that they aren't the most important people in the world to me.
I'm afraid that they will think they are responsible for my feelings.
I'm afraid that my friends will think I'm a slob.
I'm afraid that people will think that I'm a poor mom.

Times' up.

What Do You Think?

Someone else wrote something pretty close to what's been rattling around in my lil ole brain lately

I Lost My Temper New Years Eve

Going out of the old year with a bang, eh?

Not what I had planned or what I wanted.

But.

One (large) part of what I lost my temper over

(notice that I didn't say "what made me lose my temper"? That's important)

was this way I have of playing victim to my circumstances.

I hate it when people play victim. 

It nauseates me. 

It makes me want to shake them til their teeth chatter.

It guarantees that I have no pity at all to offer them.

...

Have you ever noticed that when there is something that other people do that especially infuriates you,

it's something you're guilty of yourself?

(I think I hear an echo... 

something about a beam...

and a splinter...

in someone's eye!!??

Hm.)

A (big) Handful of What I've Been Reading Lately ::Monday Musings::

I love that my phone gives me the ability to read almost anywhere. 

In the van while I wait to pick up my daughter from band practice. 

In the van while my toddlers sleep through my bigger children's soccer practices.

In my rocker while I nurse my baby.

In my gold velour chair while my husband and I unwind from a busy day/week.

At the kitchen counter while I wait for supper to finish, or at the grill before I turn over the food...

Sometimes I find in interesting to "zoom out" and look at the overall landscape of what I'm reading. I know for sure that I am influenced by the "tone" of what I read, and I choose what I read with that in mind. Sometimes more mindfully and intentionally that others- sometimes I only read what I admire and aspire to, others I read simply because it's not destructive. That second category I don't recommend a steady diet of, neither do I consider it "wrong" as I used to. Sometimes I read things that others recommend, sometimes I read things that I disagree with, sometimes I read things that aren't "me" to broaden my perspective. 

A whim hit me to share all of the open tabs I have right now. There have been many times I've found an article, post, story, or source that I really like or need through browsing others' links, maybe someone will find just what they need or want in my little pile. It's just possible that I'll try to do this every Monday; if I do, I hope I don't fall into reading or not reading things just because I'll be sharing Monday. (Do you put an uppercase letter after a semi-colon?? Someone tell me!)

So, here's what's on my phone this morning, left over from my weekend's reading:

Perfect Mothers VS Balanced Mothers

If I Can Homeschool You Can Do It Too

Don't Be A Charity Slut This Year

Perception Is Reality

Two Open Letters About Christians and the LGBT Community

A What-If Marriage

Why "Christ Is All I Need" is Gnosticism in Disguise

Focus on Your Big Rocks First

Sometimes Lame is Better Than Best

So there you have it: my Monday Musings.

How AWANA and Children's Songs Are Misleading Our Children

In similar vein with my post on the Bible, here is a good article by a lady who is working through developing faith "out loud".
I appreciated the post as well as several of the comments afterward.
I also recommend clicking the link in the post and reading that too :0)
For the record, my children have never been to AWANA, & have only attended VBS once. I have some very mixed feelings about them having gone, and am working to remedy in other ways the things that led us to try it out this time.
http://joyinthisjourney.com/2012/10/how-some-churches-are-misleading-our-children/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+JoyInThisJourney+%28Joy+in+This+Journey%29

Thoughts on The Bible

I wrestle with wanting to somehow document, meticulously & chronologically, my faith-journey here. 

But it's just not going to happen. Especially not as precisely as I want it to. For a while I felt guilty, frustrated, & like-a-failure about that. Then I realized why. 

It's because other things rightfully have higher priority & claim on my time.

So I'll just drop here what comes, when it comes while I have a bit of time to scribble here, and eventually the blanks will get filled in, and, well, as for the chronology of it, I'll just have to grit my teeth & deal with it, & enjoy the crazy-quilt patchwork effect of my growth, learning & maturity NOT lining up linearly with the timeline I manage to cobble together :0)

One thing that has been hugely transformative for me has been my perspective of the Bible. 

Letter to Pearl

Baby Pearl...
You and my Caedmon are so close to the same age. Days apart, actually.
The same week I found out Caedmon was breech, I read your sweet Mama's letter about you. My worry and fear about delivering a breech baby seemed so small and frivolous after that.

Do what you love? Really? Or die to self?

Wow. This post was challenging to me, in a scary sort of way... The way that I'm not sure if I should accept the challenge or run from it...
Do what you love | Simple Mom
So often, I've heard/said/thought about self-denial being a virtue in and of itself, and I've reveled in the "martyr feeling" of it. (Yes, I know THAT'S wrong...) But I've viewed the type of thing described in the link so often as a spiritualized cover for selfishness and the refusal of self-denial that I'm just plain scared of it, even though it seems to make perfect sense and something in me says "Yes!" Maybe that something saying "yes" is the Self I need to die to. Or maybe it's the me that God created and is waiting to see bloom.
I know that no one can answer these questions for me, that it's between Him and I. I'm interested in your thoughts though, and your journey. Let me know what you think!

Some Bonhoeffer

Good Words.
Good, good words.
Read.
Ruminate.
Come back and read again...

This is from a book called Life Together, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer:

Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God’s grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves.

Read This. Over and Over and Over.

By Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience


Please, go there and read through her posts. Bookmark her site and go back every day. She usually posts something new each day around lunchtime. It's SO worth the time to stop by and read. I'm posting her words here to give you a taste, whet your appetite a bit:

Do All My Efforts Actually Make A Difference? (not my title)

I shared this with a friend today, over at  http://tooverflowing.com, an thought I'd share it with you too! I really recommend going over there and reading her post, and then go back again tomorrow and read that one, and the next day... She's a really sweet gal with her eyes on the prize, and shares so clearly the path before her feet in such a "walk along with me" kind of way. :0)
Here's what I had to say in response to her post:
"It's always so uplifting and encouraging to remember that changing diapers, trimming nails, wiping sticky hands and faces, and yes - wiping up pee splatters DOES have eternal repercussions... I am teaching by example how to obey joyfully, how to "walk and not faint"... Oswald Chambers talks about the discipline of drudgery, about how the mountaintops and obviously "spiritual" moments/events in our lives don't express our true life with God as the simple everyday "dull" *walk* does. It's the walking without fainting that shows the glory of His power in us, more than the spectacular sprints"

This quote has been running through my mind today

It's a concept I've grasped in the last year or so.
Often in a specific concept (marriage, housekeeping, child training, school...), but I am broadening my scope to realize that it really applies to all of life.
Understanding this,
accepting this,
realizing that this is true
is setting me free in so many ways.
To discover just what my life really is, instead of being disappointed in what it isn't.
To have courage to "just do it", without being crippled by the fear of how it might not turn out.
To give my children the same freedoms.
To extend grace to others who are on the same journey, making the same discoveries. Or not.

"Sometimes, what messes our life up most -
is the expectation of what life is supposed to look like."

Thanks, Ann Voskamp, for putting it into those concise words. 

Amen, Come Lord Jesus... for when you're discouraged by his bride

This has long been a favorite song of mine,
there is so much that resonates with me, that is expressed so much more clearly than my muddled thoughts can manage.
Andrew Peterson has a powerful grasp of language and expression that is so beautiful and so clear, not to mention a style of music that is just comfortable.

Is This Seeing In A Mirror Dimly?

(play this song while you read) 

"In the image of God, look into that darkness and speak"
Speak beauty.
Speak Joy.
Speak Thankfulness.
Speak Peace.
(you can't entertain two emotions at once, drive one away with another!)
May I grow this way and walk on what I am beginning to  understand while there is still so much I don't?

Are "The Promises" REALLY Promises?

I was thinking over "my will or his will", as I was asked which of these I'm really wanting. The question was a good one for me, I've thought it over before, in different times and circumstances, but not for a long time.
I had to really check myself for a while.
I think I can accept his.
I know there is a Creator, and that he is Good and that he is Truth, and even though I don't know him like I thought I did, I'm good with letting him have control. I don't know best.
But what I'm NOT good with is being told authoritatively what his will is when people really can't do that.
I started thinking about when Jesus was here, the Word become Flesh.
He healed.
The sick, the lame, the demon possessed, the blind...
Zoom in on just the blind for a minute. Even just there, in healing the very same malady, he didn't even do it the same way each time. Sometimes he just spoke. Sometimes he touched the person. Sometimes he needed to do it twice. Sometimes he made mud with spit...
and...
sometimes...

He
didn't
heal
them
at
all.

For When You Feel Discouraged…Or Have Answers for Those Who Are

via inspiredtoaction.com

Please, click on over from the link under the video. The video itself is inspiring, but coupled with Kat's words... Well, she made me cry, and I'm not a cry-er.
I do have some questions though. After I cried, and thought about how I'd either never read those verses with that understanding, or else I'd forgotten that Truth, then I remembered...
I've watched someone cry out to God for YEARS.
Sincerely.
Heart-wrenchingly.
Desperately.

Faith Crisis/Shakedown/Chaff Winnowing...

The last several months I've been going through one of the above. You can choose which you like to call it. I have my preferences, and they aren't for the first one, but I no longer enjoy getting caught up in semantics.
I'm still a word nerd, and vocabulary is always fun for me, the more sesquipedalian, the better. But arguing a point over choice of words, when, like it or not, definitions ARE fluid and given to personal inflection, is just wasteful quibbling.
I've had several "shakedowns" (my personal choice) over the years I've known Jesus. The first few felt devastating to me, like I was committing some sort of betrayal, or declaring him untrustworthy. I now know that some (not all) of that was because I had espoused a culture and a system rather than *him*, and that was something that needed to be winnowed away.

A few quotes from an article shared with me...

I don't know anything about this site, or this person. This is not an endorsement or a slam. I just found the article very nicely thought-provoking as well as echoing some of my own thoughts lately. what are your thoughts?