Learning to Deal with Anger and Overwhelm.

I have been operating under a consistent state of overwhelm for the last several weeks.

I don't recommend it.

I don't think my family does either, for that matter. :0P

My Hero (a.k.a. The Mr.) saw what was going on last week and told me to take the evenings "off" all week. So, as soon as he got home, I grabbed my handy dandy backpack, loaded with my netbook, my sketchbook & markers, and various notebooks where I scribble my thoughts, along with a fiction book for brain candy breaks, and disappeared.

It was BLISSFUL.

I actually got to THINK!

Whole thoughts!

And finish an entire email! (in fact, lots of people got emails from me last week as I worked my way back to "inbox zero") :0)

And I got in some reading on some very helpful subjects, like preventing overwhelm, and how to handle it if it does happen. I've been learning how to stop reacting and start responding; which I've known for a long time is the way it's supposed to be, but not how.

Because I know from homeschooling 8 lil monkeys that teaching or telling someone else what you just learned is the best way to really "get it" yourself, I'll be sharing here as I learn.

First then:

When I am angry or overwhelmed :

B R E A T H E.

Repeat.

Remember that there are very few true crises. This most likely can wait 15 more seconds.

Pay attention to the breathing.

Breathe all the way in, fill up. Feel the air going into you.

Hold it a second or two.

Let it out slowly, feeling your self relax as you do.

Now.

Ask yourself: "Why am I angry / overwhelmed? What do I want?" Usually we get angry or overwhelmed because we're not getting something we want. Often what we want isn't realistic, or is dependent on other people, and we can't make others do as we want (so wanting to isn't realistic!)

Just realizing that what I want isn't realistic is enough for me to calm down and deal with things without feeling so frantic.

There are more questions I ask myself, more steps to take, that I"ll share in the next few posts.

Meanwhile, a great blog to read to learn about how to handle things when you realize that what you want is dependent on other people is Assume Love. It's technically a marriage blog, but the principles there are applicable to almost any relationship.

My Epiphanies (one of them, anyway)

Actually, I had three yesterday.
Isn't that some sort of record?
I think it might be for me.
I usually take a l-o-n-g time to "get" somthing.
Then a l-o-n-g time to "process" it.
Which makes me look a bit slow or something.
BUT,
once I've got it, I've got it good.
(Yes, I know "I have it well" would be better grammar, but it just doesn't say it the way I want to.)

My big "AHA!" moments came closely together, and are on the same subject, but I'm excited about them both and I see them both separately because, like I said, I usually take my time about these things.

I was reading this article, and it was encouraging for me, but not as much as it was intended to be; not as much as I knew it could be.
I read things often about how being a perfectionist is crippling, how you don't do anything because you can't do it perfectly, how seeking perfection is demoralizing, and how we should just strive for excellence instead.
Which all sounds great, except I can't (couldn't!) figure out the difference between perfection and excellence, so what it really sounded like was "be lazy, cop out, slide into doing things poorly..."
Last night I was frustrated, because I knew I was missing something by not being able to separate "perfect" and "excellent", and my awesome husband helped me (finally) figure it out.
Even thought he wasn't in the mood, he tried first one way, then another to explain the difference to me, but still all I could hear was "right way vs lazy way". Eventually I decided to put him out of his misery (it's GOT to be frustrating to try to explain a new concept to me!), and sweetly said "Well, I know one thing that's perfect. Our marriage." To which he wisely responded "No, it's not."
He went on to ask me if there is any room for improvement or growth, or if I want our marriage to be exactly what it is 10 or 20 years from now. Well. As happy as we are, one thing I have learned in our first 10 years of marriage is that there is always room for growth, and even though I can't imagine how anything could get any better, I couldn't imaging things any better than our honeymoon 10 years ago either, and it IS better now!
He explained, that means it's not perfect.
Then he asked if I'm completely happy and satisfied with the way it is right now.
Um, YES!!
He explained, that's "excellent".

I GET IT!!!

!!!

(Yep. He's awesome. Best Husband On The Planet. I mean, c'mon- he can explain things to an aspie!!


Y'all.
This is huge.

I've never understood the difference before! All kinds of things are falling into place and making sense now!!

***Happy Dance ***

In the next few days, I'll share 

Epiphany #2: You can have it all, just not all at one time.

and

Epiphany #3: They're not all doing what I'm doing.

Looking at a long week (and some marriage encouragement)

Not to sound grumpy or pessimistic, but it looks like this week is going to be a long one. I had a much needed date with my 17-year-old daughter on Saturday, and then spent the day away with a friend on Sunday. And result? I didn't get to see my husband very much this weekend. Now it's Monday, and I have a whole five days to wait before I can spend all day with him again. That looks like a long time. You better believe I'll be making the most of the evenings this week, but there's nothing like spending the full day together. Words defy me to share how inexpressibly happy I am to have the kind of marriage that we do, that we are both so hungry to spend more time together. If you don't have this kind of marriage, or even if you do (because they can all use some work and improvement), may I suggest that you check out the marriage blogs over on the right-hand side of this blog?There are links there to some excellent resources that will help any marriage to grow and be even better.
Have a happy week, and be sure to spread some loving to all those around you!

How Did He Know??

How in the world did he know? 

He was at work. 

Busy. 

With big things. 

Costly things. 

Dangerous things. Electricity is a powerful thing, not to be toyed with on the back burner.

He wasn't here. 

He didn't hear the near incessant wail, from one then the other, of needy little ones, 

tired of their Mama being tired. 

Empty, needing their (empty) Mama to fill them with what she didn't have. 

Our Anniversary!

Today, 9 years ago, I married the most wonderful man on earth.
This morning, I woke up to the mix on my iPhone playing "our song".
Again and again I choose to throw my arms open to Dancing in the Minefields.
Again and again Satan throws his flaming arrows, and tries to make me fear the Gift.
Again and again and **yet again** I choose to embrace the Gift.
That's what the Promise is for.
<3
love, The Happiest Wifey :0)

Here are the lyrics, for those of you (like me) that need to "see" the song:

Liberated Through Submission - ever heard it this way?

Leslie Basham: How can a single woman know if she’s ready for the submission that comes with marriage? Here’s Bunny Wilson.

Bunny Wilson: When you get in the car, check your speed limit. Are you yielding to the government?

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Now you’re getting nosy, Bunny.

Bunny: Single women are some of the fastest drivers I have ever met. I’ve driven with a series of them, so check your speed limit. It helps you to know if you’re in a position to even think about getting married.