Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Three simple words….

I was rummaging around in Ann's archives, selfishly looking to see how she began, how her blog looked way back in her early days...
Not because I want a "big" blog or anything, but just because sometimes, even in my secret little paper journal, when it's been "too long" (by whose standard?), then I'm tempted not to bother writing anymore...

I thought, how often did she-that-I-admire write in the beginning?
and I found this:
Three simple words…. A Holy Experience
and I am now asking myself:
"Am I..." and "Do I want to be..."
cheerleader or critic?
For my children and myself...
Harder for me...
her answer feels like a balm, a rest, so soothing.
but scary-new: what if it just makes me a quitter who rests on tiny laurels? What if I say "good for you" and stop there? At one sock, to use her example?
I guess that's up to me...
but I wonder...
who am I to hear "good for you"?
Is  it just a softening,
a weakening,
a giving up on waiting for the real "well done, good and faithful servant",
being content with a much less "good for you" from a much less source?
Or is it knowing how to move myself on,
how to "stir up the gift that is in me",
how to keep my eyes on the prize,
to remind myself of that "well done" I long to hear...
I guess, it comes back to what I already knew,
what he said over and over, in so many different ways,
what I still kick against and hate to hear -
because I've heard it so often slathered over ugly things as an excuse,  a license, an indulgence if you will:
It's what's in the heart that matters.
and I have to remind myself that he who knows and judges the heart, knows and judges.
He can see whether it's truly a heart that is pressing on toward the mark, or is simply self-soothing a conscience that's been flicked...
All I need do is make sure mine is right.


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