Tuesday, October 22, 2013

(a bit of) An Apology For What I Share Here (mostly so I can save face)

I've been feeling... not embarrassed, exactly, but... displeased with myself, over the random frivolity I put here. 
Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with frivolity, but when that's 
then I'm not happy about it. 
Mostly because I know what I'm not saying here. 
All the things I think about, the things I want to mull over, the things I want to share, questions I have, ideas I want to share, growth I experience...
But at this point, I don't have... well, I don't make time to get it all here. 
And when I think about why, I'm ok with it. 
I'm comfortable with the priorities I have right now. 
Especially when I remember that they are right now
I'm realizing more and more how fleeting these days with my littles. For so long, I kept thinking "once I catch up on _____, I can sit back and enjoy my littles." That blank was filled with school, laundry, housework, prettying up the house, yardwork, gardening, sewing, canning, you name it.
Lately it's hit me, and hit me HARD, that nothing and nobody are going to sit and wait while I "catch up" ( I never will anyway), and I am MISSING OUT. 
And my very very VERY least favorite emotion - the one I hate above all others - the one that is to be avoided at all costs - is 
Even though I'm not crazy about the way I look on here, and even though I'd much rather you see the "me" that is thinking underneath all the crazy blur that is homeschooling 7 of my 8 babies and hoping to figure out starting a business all while maintaining one of the happiest marriages on the planet ( and that takes work!), it's just not gonna happen right now. 
But I do want to show glimpses into my life, mostly for my own record (I don't do analog scrapbooks etc), and also for those family and friends who are interested, and for the customers I have to see just who is the person making the things they're buying, and that means there will continue to be silly frivolity showing up here in a greater proportion than it shows up in my head, because that's what I've got time for right now, because I'm too invested in living the non-frivolous to stop and share it. 

The time will come. I am both content in that knowledge, and a little fearful that it'll come too soon, and that I'll have missed things I regret missing. 


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